shiki no kagi 3

8th January 2004, Thursday
Dear Diary,
I was watering the plants today with Junko-chan from the orphanage (by the way, I just love those kids there! Junko-chan sticks especially close to me~) when I saw Akiko walk out slowly from one of the bedrooms, carrying a kitten stuffed toy, moving towards Junko. But when she saw me, she turned back abruptly, disappearing from sight again.

I don't want any more moments like this. I don't understand this hide-and-seek game. From just now, it was obvious she remembers me! But... is she avoiding me because she was afraid to relive the past? Was I just part of her past? Did she want to forget me?

Then some time after that incident, we were all having dinner, and she had a seat opposite me. She kept on staring at her plate, occasionally dropping her chopsticks and saying a quiet 'sorry'. Yet it didn't seem like she was apologising for being rude. It seemed more like she was apologising to someone in particular in the room. I wonder if that person was me. But if it were me, she wouldn't avoid me. I mean, she would know I'd just embrace her on the spot if she'd acknowledge me.

But she didn't. She didn't run to me.

It's pretty late now. I better get some sleep; I have early classes tomorrow. Oyasumi.

Oyasumi, Akiko.

9th January 2004, Friday
Dear Diary,
I caught her staring in space at a pile of books near the sliding doors of the orphanage. I crept quietly behind her. She was staring at a book on parenting. I was some distance from her so she didn't notice my presence. She reached out for the book.

Books. From young, we had always read to each other, and shared our voluminous books. We even competed to see who had read the most interesting books. I leaned sideways on the wall next to me, watching her, a small smile forming on my lips when I thought of the memory.

But something happened that shocked me later. She was a great lover of books. More than any other person I had ever known. But...

She took up the book on parenting, and ripped it apart. I could only see papers flying in the air around her, and she just continued tearing, before flinging the jacket of the book across the floor. She moved no more after that.

I was curious as to what really happened to her family. Why would she tear that book up? But in any case I can't question her on that now, because she seems to have not opened up to me yet, and she hasn't recovered from the hurt.

Yabai! I forgot to do my assignment before I write this! But I couldn't help it. :P

10th January 2004, Saturday
Dear Diary,
Akiko and I were in charge of hanging up the clothes today in the backyard. We didn't speak at first. So I decided to advance a bit. I commented on the weather because I didn't know which angle I should strike at. "It's hot today, ne?" She didn't nod to that; she didn't respond at all. I didn't want to give up. I tried again. At the same time I noticed that there was a scar along her arm. "The weather reminds me of the last natsu matsuri we went to together. Do you still remember it?" When she still didn't respond, I finally asked, "Why is there a scar on your arm?"

This time, she stopped placing pegs over the clothes. She stared at the huge bed sheet in front of her. "Accident."

She said something to me!! We finally have a start! At this I really feel encouraged. I want this to happen everyday. I want us to progress further, and then we can finally be like what we used to be...

Of course, I know that sounds like some childish thinking, because we will never return to that age of innocence, but I want her to open up to me, to trust me.

11th January 2004, Sunday
Dear Diary,
Only this afternoon I realised I have three assignments I forgot to do!! Well I've finished two, and now I'm too exhausted, so I decided I needed a break, and here I am, writing. I actually wanted to bring Akira-kun out because he said he missed looking at flower shops and candy shops along the streets. His parents used to hold his hands and stroll with him past rows of shops, but he does not have the luxury to do that now. But when I found out that I had so many assignments, I was so disappointed! I wasn't disappointed at the heaviness of the assignments, but at the fact that I couldn't bring Akira-kun out! One of these days I am going to.

I better go back to doing my assignment.

12th January 2004, Monday
Dear Diary,
Akiko said another word to me today!! URESHII! She said...

"...Hai."

I know, I know, I'm gloating over it, even though it wasn't much. Do I sound like someone who just heard his own child say her first word? Do I?? DO I??? Ahhh I don't care. She spoke to me again! I am happy enough. I know we'll progress further.

I managed to hand in all my assignments on time! Keii-chan deserves a reward~ I brought Akira-kun out today! That's my reward! He kept on staring at the rows of shops, and I got him a pack of assorted candy. He shared them with the rest of the children after that. He even went up to Akiko slowly and handed her a sweet! Akiko didn't refuse this time. She nodded and took it. But you could tell she was still having a guard about her...

13th January 2004, Tuesday
Dear Diary,
I am at home right now. Why is that so? Because otou-san says this evening there'll be some people coming to stay at our house. He says it's for business matters, and he wants me to be at home. But by the way he explained things, it felt more like he NEEDS me to be at home. I felt kind of sad to leave the orphanage. I told Akiko I'd visit again, and to my surprise, she looked me in the eye and nodded to that! I think she misses the old days when we were such great friends, but at the same time missing those times is bringing her pain.

Phone call.

14th January 2004, Wednesday
Dear Diary,
It's 1am in the morning now. I can't get to sleep. Just through a span of hours a lot of emotions have been passing through me. The family who are here, yes they are here on business, but the point of staying over is so that... I could get to know the other family's daughter, Nishimoto Mika. You know what that means, right? It means they expect the outcome to be me marrying Nishimoto-san.

Iyadda. I don't want that. I know Nishimoto-san is a nice girl and all, but ... no matter how long we will be facing each other, I don't think we'll go beyond friends. And since they said that the Nishimoto family was here on business, is that marriage like a merger? IYADDA! ZETTAI IYADDA! I don't want to marry because of business! I know that in this world, maybe there are a lot of circumstances when one has to be practical, when we have to plunge back into the cruel world, but in this I don't want to. I want to be together with someone I love, to walk with her through that cruel world!

Really... I don't if all this is because I see Akiko as my definite future wife. I don't know. At this point, I am wondering if I see her as my wife, or my precious little sister. Or even a friend. Which one of these is it? Can somebody enlighten me?! Now in this fix, I even have to have an internal struggle!

I actually told okaa-san about Akiko after that, and also how I know they are trying to pair Mika and me up. Okaa-san frowned when she heard that. She explained how she and otou-san had considered Nishimoto-san after considering what kinds of girls I could probably like. (My jaw really dropped literally at that time.) Yes, I do LIKE Nishimoto-san, but I don’t LOVE her. And the other factor was about business. They said it was cruel, but they felt Nishimoto-san was somebody who would walk with me through harsh times. I know. I know she's probably great and everything but I don't have that feeling towards her.

When I mentioned Akiko later, because I really couldn't help it anymore, I told her how I was confused as to whether I really saw Akiko as my wife. Okaa-san was shocked at first to learn that I've found Akiko some time ago, and she kept really silent. But later on, she said,

"...Isn't Akiko just a childhood friend to you?"