Fall

Song: Masayume - SPITZ

"Subaru-kun...Subaru-kun..."

He reached out, but there was nothing to hold.

--

She always fell. I wonder if I were not there, would anyone help her up? Even till now, I do not fully understand her. Everyone called her Momoko, but to me, she was not Momoko. I called her Kusa-chan, and she called me... her husband.

We were so young and innocent then, being only in grade one. We were paired up for an outdoor activity, and as we squatted down beside flowers, I noticed a small turf of hair on her head, as short as grass. That was how she was named Kusa-chan.

We both got close to each other at that age, by a fall that she ignited. I had stretched my arms out and stopped her. She looked up at me and said, "Thank you, Subaru-kun. I'll definitely want a husband like you next time!" We were so young, so naive; we did not know the true meaning of that word. Thus, I became known as her husband.

"Subaru-kun, taberu?" She held out her bentou to me at lunchtime. She was the only one who had started calling me Subaru-kun and not "Shibutani-kun" before we got to know each other well. There were many times when I might be alone, while the others were playing in a group, but she would later pull herself out of the group and join me. Instead of coaxing me to join the group, she would simply sit quietly by me. I used to think she could read my mind, that she knew I wanted solitude. She made no attempt to start a conversation, but swung her legs lightly instead, watching the little birds peck at the ground, hoping there was some food for the family underneath.

Yet, we were never given a chance to spend more time together. As soon as we got closer, she went further from me, being posted to another school. "...Subaru-kun, we'll write to each other, deshou?" I never answered her question.

She did write to me in the next month. It was two full pages full of little drawings and bubbly hiragana characters. She told me that after she had moved to another home, she fitted in pretty quickly. She sounded happy and blissful. I was not. There was nobody to sit beside me quietly anymore. Even though during those times we did nothing, we said nothing much to each other, I missed her company.

I never ever wrote back to her.

The next summer, she wrote another letter to me, asking me why I never wrote back. She sent photos of herself and her new classmates, and also her family, to me. Again, she looked very happy there. Though, I noticed a fairly long scar on her knee.

Yet, I never wrote back to ask why.

Years passed, and still, I never wrote back to her. After her second letter, I never ever received any more letters from her, and very soon it was almost as if we forgot about each other's existence. The terms Kusa-chan and husband seemed so far away now.

Time passed really fast. In the blink of an eye, I was in high school. On the first day of school, sensei wasn't present in school, and I, being elected somehow as the class leader, read the list aloud to the class to take attendance. I noticed that there were three classmates with the surname Tanaka.

I thought I had forgotten about her. I thought I would never cross paths with her again. Yet, that day...

"Uchiyama Momo-" I paused for a while and stared at the list. "EHHH!!!"

"Hai, Uchiyama Momoko desu."

I looked at the seat this Momoko was in. Is it possible that I merely met somebody else with the exact same name as her? She had shoulder-length black hair, and she still kept those two bright eyes. Yet beneath those eyes I could see the tiredness, from the dark eye bags. Wasn't she happy?

As soon as I finished taking attendance, I informed the class that they were to do self-revision. I went into my seat. I looked at Momoko. She smiled at me like she knew me. I dared not look at her for long. I never wrote back to her. I never answered her question.

As the class strolled out at lunch break, I heard someone call me back. "Ano... Subaru-kun?"

Who else, who else would on the first day of school, call me Subaru-kun? I turned to her slowly. "Nani, Uchiyama-san?"

I saw her smile fade. "You never used to call me that." Then she paused, before starting again, "You're Shibutani Subaru right? We were in the same class in Grade One?"

"...Kusa-chan."

Her smile reappeared.

"Gomene."

"Hm?"

"I never replied your letters." I looked at my shoes.

Kusa-chan laughed. "It's okay. You never promised me to anyway."

We didn't speak after that. Actually, I didn't speak, because I didn't know what to say. "...Subaru-kun? Taberu?" Her bentou never changed.

It was like our old times were back, except she didn't have that patch of short hair anymore. I was still the quiet, and somewhat unsure self, and she was still the sweet, understanding little girl. I thought we were perhaps going to be friends forever.


Her habits never changed either. She still had the tendency to trip and fall, but now that I was constantly with her, I always broke her fall. My arm, by now, was already used to the constantly clutching by her when she fell. She would always laugh at herself, instead of crying or frowning like the other girls did. She never made a big fuss out of it.

One day while walking home together, I realised that she had moved to a new home again, somewhere almost near my own house. On the walk home before we separated, I would piggyback her, and we would laugh at jokes or the sights we saw on the streets. Having to always feel her warmth upon my back was comforting for me -- because it made me feel like I was holding someone important, someone so fragile and likely to fall. It was like protecting someone more than a sister. She would grasp my uniform jacket in her hands, sticking her face next to mine, always constantly saying, "Subaru-kun wa sugoi ne~ You can take my weight!"

The truth is, she felt so light. So light that it made her feel even more fragile. Sometimes I really wonder how she actually went through gymnastics class without breaking a bone. I tend to think a lot. And then when I went home, halfway through my assignment, I paused and looked up at the wall in front of me. There were photos of me and her together eating our bentou. I suppose she was teasing me when she said I could take my weight, because currently, I noticed I've been getting lighter myself, and I'm a bit skinny.

Maybe that's why she keeps offering me her bentou.

I felt that weight on my arm again. "Itai!" That was the first time she ever complained about tripping. I looked back at her. I saw that she was nearly crying. Somehow I could tell she was not upset about the fall, but she was upset about something else. She never let go of her grip.

"...Momoko." I didn't call her Kusa-chan anymore. I was serious. I removed her hand, but then quickly put her in my embrace, holding her light figure close.

"Subaru-kun doesn't need my bentou anymore."

I was alarmed at first. What did she mean? Then I was reminded that her arms were around me now, and I thought she meant that I had grown a bit fatter, which I actually did, over the two weeks.

I was wondering if she did return my feelings. Yes, I felt for her now. I only realised it one day when I piggybacked her and she commented that I looked especially good in my uniform. I couldn't stop smiling, and my heart could just do a flip. What if... to her I was only a good friend, a brother, a protector?

I wanted to be all those... and more.

I wanted to find her at lunch break as usual, but I found that she had already left her seat. I looked around but there was no sight of her. "Subaru-kun doesn't need my bentou anymore." Does it mean that she wanted to be there just to take care of me? That when her mission was accomplished she was leaving? Was she leaving me? I burst out the class, ignoring the desk that I had overturned in the process. I wanted to tell her that she meant more to me than sharing her bentou. She was more than a friend I piggybacked home. She was more than just a happy memory.

I found her on the empty school basketball court. She was pacing there, her hands behind her back. She had no bentou with her. "Momoko!" I shouted, running to her. She turned her head, and nearly slipped and fell on the wet floor after the rain, but I caught her in time. Again.

"Aren't you supposed to hold someone else already?" she asked.

Then it dawned on me on the rumour that I and Takako in our class were going out together had reached Momoko's ears. I wonder... if she were so hurt, was she returning my feelings? I still had that little hope.

"Aho ka!" I scolded. "Momoko wa daisuki da yo!" She looked up at me. "I don't want to have your bentou only for now. I want your bentou years down the road."

I looked at her. She didn't approve, but neither did she reject. She looked back. Very slowly, I saw her tiptoe a little, and I bent down to kiss her lips. I have no idea how to put into words that special and breath-taking experience of my first kiss. It felt as though, nothing mattered anymore, as long as we stayed like that.

On the way home, I didn't piggyback her this time, because she said she wanted to hold my hand and walk. And as expected, she tripped again. But this time she laughed, and I laughed at her. She was back.

It so happened that some time after this, we were grouped into the same team for a project. I was appointed the leader of the group by Iwao-sensei. On the day where a meeting was scheduled, I had been furious at my younger brother in the morning for having gotten into a fight with the gangsters in his school. We had a great argument. Later on, when we were at the meeting, Momoko was late. I was growing impatient, because I wanted to get home soon and see that my younger brother was alright.

Finally, after being late for fifteen minutes, Momoko arrived. "Where were you?" I asked sharply. My anger had not simmered down that day.

"Gomene! I was in the washroom..." Momoko gave an apologetic smile to the group.

I tried to cool down. "Well, okay then, so where's your portion of the project?"

Momoko frowned. "Ano... sorry, I... I didn't do it." Momoko looked at her feet. It wasn't like her to not do her part for a project. Of course, I was so frustrated that day, that now when I heard she hadn't done her part, I was so furious that we had to stay back later, I blew my top immediately.

"Well, so is preening at yourself in the mirror in the washroom more important than our project? Everybody else did their part! You should know better and organise your priorities, Uchiyama-san!" I shouted. My huge eyes were on her, and I could see that she did not dare to look up.

I didn't say anymore after that. "Gomenasai." she said quietly, taking a seat among the group. I later on gave out instructions to the group and we had a discussion but she kept very quiet throughout the whole process.

Later on, we packed our bags, but I realised that Momoko was already gone. I was worried about her. What if she fell again? What if she was crying, and she didn't watch her way with that blurred vision by the veil of tears? I grabbed the handle of my bag hurriedly and ran out. I knocked down the table again.

I ran along the way home, trying to find where she was. I was mentally scolding myself for throwing my temper at her. After all, maybe she had her own reasons for not doing her work? Finally, after I ran and ran, I saw her sitting in the middle of the empty street. It was lucky that there were no cars around at this time. It looked like she had fallen down again.

I didn't call out her name this time; I merely stood in front of her. She ignored my presence; she merely let her tears fall down quietly. There was a bentou with the name "Subaru" on it that had tumbled out of her bag.

I knelt down, and lifted her chin, but she caught my wrist and stopped the action. "Don't. I don't want you to see my tears. I want us to have a happy memory." she said. "I'm sorry I didn't do my work. I was making your bentou... I thought, if one day this might be the last one-"

"It's not!" I cut in. "You promised me you'd continue making bentou for me down the years. You said I was your husband. I want us to stay that way."

"Subaru, we were young then..."

"It doesn't matter. Now we are not naive anymore."

I lifted her figure up, and piggybacked her all the way home again. She held on tightly onto my shoulders, and I heard her whisper, "I thought I lost you."

I took her out for matsuri that summer. She was in a red yukata, decorated with white uchiwas. We were watching the little kids catch the tiny goldfishes. "Ne, Subaru-kun, these fishes are going to move to a new home... Even though they may not survive, still, I'm sure they'll leave a memory of themselves with their owners, ne?"

I didn't know why she said that; I just nodded.

The next day when she came to school, I noticed another scar on her leg. I ran to her immediately and asked if the fall was that bad. She only smiled and said she was alright.

I was beginning to suspect that she was hiding something from me, but when I was about to ask her, she interrupted me and asked, "Let's visit our old school, shall we?"

She only silently walked past the classrooms, feeling the walls and doors, and finally finding that corner where we always sat alone. She sat down. "Subaru-kun? Do you remember us when we were young?"

"...You and your turf of grass hair." I smiled.

She said no more.

"Minna, I have sad news. Uchiyama-san is leaving the school." Iwao-sensei announced.

Momoko stepped forward. "Minna, thanks for being with me the past year. I appreciated the company." With those two sentences, she walked back to her seat.

At lunch break, she passed me her bentou again. "Momoko? Where are you going?"

"I'm moving again." she simply said, without elaboration.

"Where?" I asked in curiosity. I still wanted to contact her.

She gave an answer I did not understand.

The next two days, she never came to class. She had her keitai off, and I couldn't call her. I went to her house after school but the new owner told me the family had moved. She never left me her new address...

I shut my eyes at midnight, finally exhausted with the finishing touches of our project.

Subaru-kun...Subaru-kun..."

I woke up. And in that instant I understood her last words.

"I'm going somewhere everybody and nobody knows..."

I never saw her in class again.

Rain

Yamapi one-shot. Girl's PoV. (:
Song --> Bokura wa Hero - KIRORO

I'm sorry but I guess we should walk our own way. We shouldn't meet in the middle of the road.

My eyes flew open. I did not want to dream of that again, but the same dream never failed to haunt me. It's over; it's been almost a month since we broke up. But we always could not avoid each other. That was because we came from the same clique of friends. In out high school, we had a group of ten friends in our class. I was part of them. So was he. When we were together, we kept it from the rest of our friends because we decided it wasn't time yet -- the right time never came. And so when we broke up, nobody knew. Nobody understood the sudden awkward tension between is.

We used to be really close friends, but gradually we had developed feelings for each other. I still remember that rainy day in Osaka, when our class went on a fieldtrip last year. I had burst out from the hotel we were in, into the rain, crying. At that time, he had seen me run into the rain, chased me, and embraced me, trying his best to use his height to shield me from the rain.

I got out of bed. I wonder what made him tell me we should break off. And well, I had agreed to it. It had been mutual, so why was I feeling so horrible about it?

Half the day went by as usual. I thought I saw him glance over at me during lessons, but I guess I was just thinking too much. I didn't look in his direction at all, even if I wanted to, because I was too proud -- I didn't want to give in to the fact that I still felt the same way for him. I could only watch his back when he went over to talk to our fellow classmates. He's not affected by the break-off at all. I was agitated at that. So I was the only idiot suffering the aftermath of it.

"Oi, Tomohisa, over here!" Hiro-kun called out, waving to him. I didn't dare to call him Tomo-chan now. So, to avoid have to do it, I mostly avoided conversation with him. I wanted to stay best friends with him but I couldn't.

We were in the cafeteria. I looked towards him, and behind him suddenly appeared Rin-chan. And... he was pulling Rin-chan towards the group. Rin-chan was also within our circle. She was a cute girl with big, bright eyes, and her height went no further than 155cm. When I saw that sight, I was jealous, and immediately my grip on my can of drink tightened, causing a loud crack to go off from the aluminum bending. He more than got over it huh?

"Hm? Junko-chan, are you okay?" Youko asked me, putting a hand on my fingers.

"Eh? I'm alright. You know I tend to grip things too hard sometimes." I lied, laughing nervously.

"Remember the chalks you broke because Iwao-sensei insulted Tomohisa??" Ken-chan brought up. Everybody laughed, but I could only smile. Things couldn't go back to the past.

Tomo-chan finally reached our table.

"Holding hands already! Hey you two never told us!" Yuki-chan teased. Rin-chan was blushing with embarrassment.

I was more than furious at that. To prevent totally crushing my can, I put my hands under the table, clenching them until my knuckles grew white. I, unfortunately, had a very silent violent tendency. Nobody knew it. Except him. He never made our relationship known to them. I know, we agreed mutually that they should not know, but in my fury I could not reason out the situation.

From the corner of my eye, I saw him buying a drink for Rin-chan. Rin-chan had a teddy in her hands. It was obviously from Tomo-chan. The rest of the clique crowded round her with questions, and silently without notice, I left. Nobody noticed that I was gone. I doubt he noticed either.

I went all the way upstairs to the library, randomly picking up a book to read. But behind that huge book I was crying. I had to keep making myself believe it'll be over next week. This ritual went on for so many weeks, but the week where I would recover never came.

A while later, I closed the book, drying my tears, but as I started to slot the book back into place, was alarmed to find my keitai on the shelf. I had left it in the cafeteria? There was a new message.

I saw your keitai on the table. You were so engrossed in that book, I decided to just leave your keitai on the shelf. -Yamashita-kun.
--> message sent by: Tomo-chan.

Why did he have to sign off after his message? And to end off with 'Yamashita-kun'. How distant. He had been on the other side of the bookshelf but I never noticed.

I totally avoided his eyes after that, and never even spoke one word to him. Before, we at least acknowledged each other's presence and had some superficial conversation if we had to, but now I completely shunned all that. But would it have made a difference?

There was another new text message.

Hey Junko-chan, Tomo told us you were doing a last minute assignment in the library. Just to inform you, we're meeting at Rin-chan's house to celebrate her birthday. Tomorrow at 6pm. Don't be late yo~
-->message sent by: Youko.

I was thinking up of an excuse not to go, but no way would they believe me. I wonder what Tomo-chan would do for her? My last birthday... After the group celebrated it for me, Tomo-chan had got me out of the house and brought me to the seaside in the middle of the night. He had insisted that we watched the sunrise together.

"Yadda, let me sleep a while more.." I muttered, brushing his hand away.

"Junko-chan, wake up, if not you'll miss it." He coaxed softly.

I opened my eyes slowly, to see him watching over me. "Is your back aching from being in that position?" I asked suddenly, getting up.

"Nope, not at all! Tomo-chan loves sleeping by the sea!"

We were just in time to watch the sunrise.

By the time the scene finished playing in my mind, we were back in class. Iwao-sensei had an urgent meeting to attend to, so she left us to do an assignment in class.

"Ano..." I didn't turn my head. Once in a million years he was speaking to me? "Ishida-san, do you have an extra pen?" I only looked to my own paper to do my assignment. I completely ignored his request and gave him the cold shoulder. He had nothing else to say, but having been his best friend before, I could tell inside he was quite frustrated at my reaction. He turned to Ken-chan.

It was spring-cleaning week that week, too, and that day me, Enomoto-kun, Matsuda-san and Tomo-chan were on duty after school. Usually, Tomo-chan and I were the slower workers, because we would skive and go grab a sandwich before proceeding to do our job. I was in charge of sweeping the floor this time, and Tomo-chan, cleaning the windows. The other two students left earlier. We did not have any conversation while we did our jobs, and we kept as far a distance as possible.

I finished my job. I left. I did not help him at all. In the past, yes, if I finished earlier, I'd go over and help him, but now I completely abandoned him in the classroom. Unfortunately it seems to hurt only more if I ignored him. It wasn't making me forget him.

That day passed. The next day went no differently at school, until after school. "Junko-chan?" he called, after everyone had left. I had fallen asleep on my desk.

"Nani, Yamashita-kun?" I asked on purpose.

He left. I stared after him. He was agitated again. I know I was being too cold. But when I am angry at someone, I don't know how to see things from the other person's side. Even if I could, I didn't want to lose out.

Evening came. Everyone was at Rin-chan's house in no time.

"Rin-chan, otanjoubi omedetou!" I congratulated as cheerfully as possible. "Ano.. Hope you'll have many memories on your journey with Tomo-chan!" I didn't want to say that, but what else could I say? I was quite genki outside, but inside I was violently frustrated. It is a very terrible situation to be in.

In a flash, I was back home again. I wondered if it would be better if I tried to study now, and forget everything else. It was raining outside again. It wasn't a storm but it was a soft rain. I couldn't look at my study desk at all. I picked my keitai up instead. To my own surprise, I dialed his number. I had no inkling why I did that. Was it because I wanted to see if he was having fun with Rin-chan ALONE now? I wanted to crush my keitai. But he picked up the phone and I was at a complete loss.]

"Hai, moshi moshi..." I could hear the sound of the sea from the other end. Was he bringing her to the seaside? It didn't seem to be raining there. There was a girl laughing at the other end, too.

"Mitai na~" That's what I heard. I couldn't make out if it was Rin-chan, but who else would bring his girlfriend to the seaside in the middle of the night?

I hung up immediately. More than ever, I could not face the study desk now. I left my keitai on the bed, going out of the apartment. Otou-san and okaa-san were asleep. My younger sister was out on her school's fieldtrip. The lift travelled down. And in no time I was downstairs.

Very slowly, I stepped out into the light rain, feeling the raindrops fall onto me. The other time, it had been almost a storm, but now it was unusually peaceful. I hated the fact that the seaside is not a precious secret hideout for him and me anymore. He had shared it with someone else. I put my arms behind, strolling in the rain on the empty streets, watching my pink shirt slowly start to plaster a little on my legs from the rain. Occasionally, one or two passersby looked at me in surprise as they sheltered themselves with their umbrellas or suitcases. It felt good. It wasn't storming. It was just a cooling rain. So what if I got sick the next day?

I turned back when I realised I was reaching the main road. It had been half an hour since I started walking in the rain. At least, according to my watch. But it had stopped moving after having water contact it. I had no idea if I felt better now. Tomorrow will be alright, I assured myself. I don't have to go to the seaside. I won't think of it...

And as I lifted my head, I saw him standing along the street with a pink umbrella. The one I bought for him just to tease him about his bright pink shirt last year. I stopped in my tracks, not knowing what to do. We stood there, some distance between us, looking into each other's eyes. I broke my gaze away from him suddenly. It was horrible. Tomorrow wasn't going to be okay after all. I don't know how long we stayed like that.

"...weren't you at the seaside with Rin-chan?" I asked suddenly. I was shivering a little, in agitation and in coldness. "Ne, Yamashita-kun? You left her by the sea alone?"

He moved towards me slowly and shielded me from the rain, noticing my shivering. He didn't answer my questions. "Well? Don't you have anything to say? Just coming here to see how pathetic I look in the rain?" I asked harshly.

"...baka." he suddenly said quietly.

I suddenly pushed the umbrella away from his hands, and I saw him caught in the rain too. I was so angry, I wasn't even hurt that I had let someone I love catch a cold like that. The umbrella lay forgotten by the side of the street.

"So what if I'm a baka?!" I shouted. He said nothing again, and let the rain wash over him. I watched the droplets hang on to the ends of his hair, and he did not move at all. I didn't want to cry, but if I continued looking into his eyes, I would. But what else could I do?

"...I didn't bring Rin-chan to the seaside. Why should you think I did? Why do you think I went there?"

I had no answer. It was my turn to be silent. The rain came down harder. So hard that it hurt to feel the raindrops on my shoulders. He came closer, and did what he did in Osaka. We forgot the umbrella by our side.

"I'm not with Rin-chan. Baka Junko-chan, that was an act."

"Why are you doing this right now when you initiated the break-up?"

"If you don't know, then I ask you again, why do you think I went to the seaside?"

"But you..."

"Don't ask anymore."

I put my arms around him slowly, and could feel him shivering so much, that I felt guilty for pushing the umbrella away. I wanted to pull away to take back the umbrella, but he held me back. "There's no need for the umbrella. I want to feel you again." It was a harsh condition in the rain, but it didn't matter. "If I have to meet you in the middle of the road, I will."